Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Risk and Possibility

"Sometimes in life one has to take a chance. Without risk, there's no possibility. Without potential loss, no prize."

I had someone ask me shortly after we got Little Mermaid if it was wise to have taken her when we were still unsure of my own test results. And, that now that I knew what my own issue was, if I shouldn't take more time for me to heal. I wasn't sure how to answer that. None of us know what our future holds. None of us can say if we're even going to be here tomorrow. Why should some potentially bad news stop us from continuing on a path we've been directed down? None of my answers were conclusive yet and when they would be...well, we'd cross that bridge when we came to it...not quit as if already condemned.
When we got the call about her, we were given just an hour to decide. It was the day after I was given the devastating news that I either had a tumor or a life-long disease. Not IF I had either or, but that I DID have one of them. But both Luke and I knew that God had clearly led us down this path and that when we had started this leg of our journey He had been loud and clear that it was time to get started. We nearly had refused to follow His leading. Fear nearly kept us from being Foster Parents. Fear of experiences in the whole realm of working with at-risk children in the not too distant past. Fear (on my part) of judgment that we wanted to Foster Handicapped children. I've already had more than one person tell me that "normal" kids need families too. Why not take them? Ummm...because NO ONE wants them? Isn't that a good enough reason?
But taking anyone at that time was risky. We didn't know anything about her, how long we'd have her, if we could actually handle her, etc... We stepped out and said yes. And yes, we were more than taken aback when they walked in our front door with her. But can I say that after having her for just 3 short weeks in our home, that we are more blessed than before? She has blessed us! Our prize is her smile even when we're at the Dr once again or even waiting in the ER. Every nurse and Dr has been taken by her smile and sweet chuckle. Our prize is her laugh at our kid's antics when they're interacting with her. Our prize is that even though she has no recognizable sleeping pattern that we can figure out, she is at least singing happily at 3am instead of screaming. (Our 4 children screamed at that hour). It is very hard to get angry at a child who, even though everyone else is sleeping and she is not, is singing and laughing to herself in the dark. She is a happy girl. She is full of life. She is a creation of God just like the other healthy and mobile ones in our home.
Is it hard? My Lands yes!!! In 3 weeks, I've slept 1 night through. That is only owing to my sweet other half who slept on the floor next to her crib all night so he'd wake up to the sounds of her alarms instead of me. We take turns getting up with her at night. I get one night. He gets the other. But dear Luke has always had the gift of sleeping through a hurricane and sometimes I feel it's pointless to wake him up to go take care of one of our kids when I'm already awake. A couple of nights ago though I'd had it. It was his turn and he was in her room asleep on the spare bed and in his exhausted state did not wake to her coughing (she has to be suctioned). The first time I stumbled into the room my thoughts were kind, "oh poor guy! He's so tired! He can't even hear the machine or her right next to his head!" I willingly took care of her and walked back across the hall to our room.
Thirty minutes later was another story. "cough cough" BEEP! BEEP OF THE FRIEKING ALARM!!! I laid there for about 15 seconds waiting for him to hit mute on the alarm and take care of her. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Now my head is filling with "bleep bleep bleep @#$%#0@#!
This time I stomp into the room, hiss loudly for him to wake up, purposefully step on him and take care of her. I about gave the poor guy a heart attack. Yeah, it's hard and I had to swallow my pride the next day and apologize to him.
I had secretly hoped we would be given a Down's Syndrome Child. I swear they are walking angels among us and would fit in nice with all our kids. Down's Syndrome is not her issue. But she is just as sweet.
So I'm glad we said yes. I'm glad we trusted that He was in control and we took a leap of faith. I'm glad we risked it and said yes. Our children are learning to step up and take more responsibility. They are learning that even though someone may look or act different that they have just as much value. I am learning to be more compassionate towards my husband who has been so patient with me this entire last year. I am learning that even though a person, young or old, may be totally dependent on you far past they age they should be, but they can be one of the biggest blessings you'll ever encounter.
"Without risk, there's no possibility." I'm glad we took "the risk." We have a prize named Little Mermaid.

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