Tuesday, February 16, 2010

New Learnings....Again

I decided to start blogging for a couple of reasons:
#1 I type faster than I write. (many things will never be posted)
#2 I finally got our intenet filter to unblock blogging spots
#3 It's a good outlet for me and I hope to look back and learn some things

The last 3 weeks have been a blur. Nathaniel's accident seemed to bring another wave of stress to our lives. It's been rather quiet the last few months and I've enjoyed the quiet.
A lot of things are put into perspective when you are watching Emergency Personel trying to revive your baby when all you were expecting was to pick him up and carry him to another ER room to await CT scan results.
My heart began to race when I saw his lips turn blue and when the Dr. grabbed him from me. I don't think Luke and I have ever clung to each other tighter than while we were standing there helplessly watching and silently begging God not to take our baby. Just moments before he had been waving in fascination at the CT lights above his little head.
I felt strange to not cry until a couple of days later. People kept commenting on how calm I was. Shaken, but calm. I simply felt numb and thankful.
I did a lot of thinking while sitting for 2 days in the ICU holding my youngest child and wondering if there was going to be any permenant damage.
I've had friends and well-meaning people tell me that if I speak positive thoughts and not believe in negativity that I can make that happen. I've come to believe over the last couple of years (perhaps falsly and that is for God to decide) that that belief isnt' necessarily true. Shit happens to everyone. Buckling your child into his high chair or making sure someone else buckles him in is what prevents falls--not positive thinking. How else do you explain the 11 year old boy in the Sudan who believes (still) in Jesus and loves Him with all his heart, yet was still nailed to a board through his knees by militants who called upon him to recant his faith. He didn't. He praises Jesus as a cripple now. I used to ask why a lot. Why do bad things seem to happen to good people? Why, when we ask God to change a situation, does He seem to be silent? Why, when we work hard in life, do we still fall short of goals and dreams while others "seem" to have it easy? Why do I do and say dumb things that make no sense?
I've been reading a book titled BLUE LIKE JAZZ by Donald Miller. He write about Christian Spirituality from an interesting perspective. A couple of paragraphs in his book caught my eye and I wanted to write them down.
"I know a little of why there is blood in my body, pumping life into my limbs and thought into my brain. I am wanted by God. He is wanting to preserve me, to guide me through the darkness of the shadow of death, up into the highlands of His presence and afterlife. I understand that I am temporaty, in this shell of a thing on this dirt of an earth. I am being tempted by Satan, we are all being tempted by Satan, but I am preserved to tell those who do not know about our Savior and our Redeemer. This is why Paul had no questions. This is why he could be beaten one day, imprisoned the next, and released only to be beaten again and never ask God why. He understood the earth was fallen. He understood the rules of Rome could not save mankind, that mankind could not save itself; rather, it must be rescued, and he knew that he wat not in the promised land, but still in the desert, and like Joshua and Caleb he was shouting, "Follow me and trust God."
Here is a verse that has meant a lot to me in the past few years:
I Peter 4: 12-13
Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the ery thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining rocess, with glory just around the corner."
(Message Bible)
Disclaimer: So as to not be taken wrongly, I do think there is a lot to thinking and speaking positively. I know if I DWELL on negativity or hurt or anger, that I become more down or depressed. I think that is why it's written in Philippians 4:8 "Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things."
However, just thinking and speaking positively can't be confused with preventing crap from happening to you.


Miriam said...

I agree whole-heartedly. Though I do believe there is some "power to positive thinking," it is presumptuous of us to believe that we have the ability to change everything in our lives through it. That puts the focus on us, instead of on God where it belongs. I will be honest and say that those of us who have lived through the horror of losing a child, are deeply offended by the declaration that positive thinking can change any circumstance. It is God who is ultimately in control of each situation and thankfully so, I would not want to live with the guilt that would come from wondering if I somehow "failed." That is was because of me that my daughter died.
Thank you for your honesty.

Sun-Kissed Scholars said...

So glad you are blogging. It's a great outlet and also a way for me to "scrapbook" our days without feeling overwhelmed trying to keep up with actual scrapbook pages.

And I agree with you, and with Miriam's comment 100%. There's something to be said for optimism, certainly, but we do not control the world through our thoughts. This is a fallen world. God does not MAKE bad things happen to people... but He can work all things for the good of those who love Him.

Miriam, I went through my own, "what did I do?" during miscarriages. It took me years, friends, prayer, and true Bible study to understand that God was carrying me through it all. I know you know that... it just took me a while to get it.

Sun-Kissed Scholars said...

PS Love your blog title.