Stages

This past week it has hit me...little bits here and little bits there...but today it hit me like a load of bricks up the side of my head (which right now is still spinning).
I am officially in a new phase of motherhood. All 4 children are in school and for the time being I am not really working. THAT hasn't happened. EVER.
I realize that we are in the 3rd week of school, but honestly I'm still fighting the vertigo and it's all been about survival.
From the time Luke and I married I have either worked or had tiny ones running around my feet. Usually both. I worked a "real job" (Social Work) until Precious Jewel was born. Then when Mr. Smiles came along a year after her I began babysitting. I've done that ever since. It's either been my own or my own with an assortment of other tiny little feet running around the house. Every two years for the last 10 years there has been a new baby in this house. Four of my own and a crop of others that I called mine for the day. Most days I've loved having a group of little hands "helping." It's why I stayed home. I wanted to be home with my own kids and be there for their first words, steps, discoveries. One way to do that was by caring for other little ones. I love kids. I always have. Their questions, discoveries, funny sayings, they all leave me a happy exhausted. Some days they have just left me exhausted, but you get the point.
But Nater Mater started pre-K full time this fall and Precious Jewel has gone back to school. Last year at home with her was a precious one. Homeschooling with a toddler and infant left me more busy than I could ever have imagined, but at the same time I treasured those hours during the day with her. The choice to send her back is one I'll blog about at a later date.
I've been part of a mom's group since Precious Jewel was 8 months old. Every year I have checked upwards of 3-5 kids in childcare or bounced them on my lap while I listen to and talked with other moms. Today, I went ALONE. No one to check into childcare. No one to duck out of the room with me hoping they wouldn't see me. No one to peel like well-set super glue off my legs. Today was a pivotal turning point. I've heard mentors and speakers talk about enjoying this time while your children are still young. Honestly, in the midst of 2-3 in diapers, tantrums, endless nights of no sleep, sick kids, and scraping by to survive, I didn't really get it. THOSE years of your children not waking you for the 7 time in one single night seemed beautiful and waaaaay too far away for me to take seriously. Let me just get through this hour because the little person on my lap is hell bent on letting everyone know what an excellent set of lungs he was born with because I denied him a piece of candy.
But today I left the Mom's Group early because I had received a phone call from Mr. Smile's school to come and sub. I was excited. This is what I had wanted for this year. To be able to work while they were in school. Maybe finally get caught up a little financially. Pay for 2 kids in braces and save for a third child's surgery. Start saving for a car since the miles on ours is piling up. Have a decent amount of grocery money for goodness sake! (Babysitting allows you to stay home, but the pay is rather terrible). With Nater Mater turning 5 and begging for school, I felt comfortable sending him full-time with the others. I was excited to begin this new phase now that I've been able to drag myself off the merry-go-round of my couch and am feeling at least half-way normal. We need me to work. We always have and that is ok. But, today a new feeling welled up inside me that I hadn't expected.
I no longer belong to that "club" of mommies who have little ones rolling around their feet or dropping things onto the floor. There are no crushed cheerios crunching under my feet or banana crusted on the High Chair (in fact, it is now stowed in the garage). No one is screaming that "he pulled my hair or she won't leave my LEGOS alone or he's being mean!" This year my house is quiet during the day. This is the first time being sick that I've been able to rest and sleep and "recover."
But truth me known, I'm not sure I like it. I miss the sloppy kisses and the drive-by hugs. I miss the paint smeared on the table and the crunching of cereal under my feet. (Well, maybe I don't miss that). I miss the chaos and the noise that a house of many creates.
When they say that time flies or that you blink and the years a gone, they are right. I'm out of the baby and toddler stage now. A stage that has given me loads of gray hair, but a stage that I loved.
Gone are the sloppy kisses. Now I have to grab them while they roll their eyes and wiggle out of my grasp. The older two asked this year that I NOT walk them in the first day of school. "Mom, that's a little embarrassing." I did a double take. When did I become an old mom and when did they become to old to hold my hand? At home, those two still like to snuggle and tuck in, but in public I've joined the ranks of the moms who stand on the sidewalk watching their kids walk inside by themselves because mom is too embarrassing to be seen with.
Time marches on. Time is something that I haven't figured out. Is it an enemy or a friend? So, as I enter this new phase of parenting, I will remember I am blessed. Blessed to have been able to stay home while my children were little like I had always wanted. Blessed that I was given the opportunity to care for other little ones like my own and to give them a stable place to take first steps and discover new bugs and enjoy farm life. I've been blessed with the time I was given with them.
And now, I turn and look forward to the next phase. We are just 2 years away from Middle School. Someone want to serve me up some Prozac?

First Day of School

First Day of the New School Year!

2013/2014

For those of you who know me via Facebook, you saw my post on the first day of school. Yeah, we'd rather not have another first day of school like that again. EVER.

Can I just say that maybe, just maybe, we weren't ready for school to start yet? Yes, we were more than ready for a consistent schedule again. Yes, all the back-to-school shopping had been done. Yes, outfits had been chosen, re-chosen, thrown out and then chosen again. Yes, we'd talked and prayed with each of the kids and each other for this new school year. Yes, everyone's stuff was placed neatly on the couch ready for the big day. Yes, I'd printed off my little First Day of School Signs so we could take our annual picture all lined up at the front door. We were the usual mix of excitement and nervousness yesterday morning. We were ready for the big first day of school and all the adventure that brings.

But, can I say I was not prepared for the level of exhaustion that has overtaken us all after a week at the County Fair. (We show animals and basically live there 6 days straight). I was not prepared for my ear infection to NOT be gone. This ear infection made it so that it was Luke and the kids at the Fair all week and me at home in bed trying my best to just keep my eyes shut so that I didn't puke all over the floor again. This ear infection that has made it impossible to even walk a straight line, let alone drive! I was not prepared for a tired 9 year old to drop a quart full of milk on the kitchen floor and that I would spend the next half hour before we were supposed to leave mopping up spilled milk and hundreds of tiny glass shards from the kitchen floor while the 4 year old wailed that he was too tired to eat breakfast. I was not prepared to not be able to help the 10 year old fix her hair for the first day of school because I was still on my hands and knees picking up glass shards and the tears that would bring. I was not prepared for the chain reaction that would set off with the 7 year old and the sobbing into his bowl of cereal that he hated school and saying he would never go and his begging to homeschool. I was not prepared to turn around when it was time to leave to discover the 4 year old had fallen back asleep on the couch and had taken back off his school clothes to put back on his pajamas and pull-up and was drooling on the couch cushions.

But, we made it out the front door. I tried to be upbeat and encouraging and telling the still sobbing 7 year old and now wailing 4 year old that they would love their teachers and make lots of new friends and it was going to be a great day! I never brought up the idea of a First Day of School Picture. Who wants a Facebook post with 2 sobbing kids in the photo holding up their First Day of School Sign? I eventually ended up turning on the radio to drown out their crying and concentrate on my driving since I still wasn't seeing straight.

Back to the ear infection: It has caused a nasty case of Vertigo. For those of you who do not know what that is (I didn't have a clue till it hit me), imagine yourself being on the craziest whirling Fair Ride or Roller Coaster you can think of, but never being allowed off. Yep, that's pretty much the sensation. I thought I was dying of some strange and nasty flu when it hit me last week. And it literally hit me. I was fine all day and then began to get this strange off-balance feel that within 2 hours had me squeezing my eyes shut and unable to walk without throwing up. Poor dear Luke had to carry me inside the house and I threw up all over his back and onto his feet. That is true love baby. When your other half still holds my hair up while I'm bent over his feet puking all over them after I'd just thrown up on the back of his neck and down his shirt. But he still held my hair and hands while I continued to spew all over him. He had to help me out to the car the next morning and my mom wheeled me into the Dr. Office and I was told there was nothing that could be done but rest and it would be better by the weekend. The lovely little shot that stopped the vomiting was a great relief. It has been over a week and I can at least walk a semi-straight line without holding onto someone for support but I was faced with the dilemma of getting all the kids to school yesterday.

Which brings me back to the first day of school. I made it with great fear and trembling and praising that it was still early enough for the traffic to not be it's normal out of control first day of school madness. I was so afraid of hitting another car or misjudging the depth perception (that's a huge issue right now) and crashing into the back of someone else. I slowed waaaay down before ever stopping and put a good 5-6 feet in front of anyone else stopped in front of me....just in case. I stopped the car at Nater Mater's Pre-School and told the other 3 to wait while I walked him inside. He was so cute. He has been at this same Preschool nearly every day for 2 years where we would drop off the little boys after school where their mom worked. He's been asking for 6 months when it would be his turn to get to go. Well, yesterday was the big day and was he ever ready. He walked right in, showed me his cubby, led me to the sign in sheet and then skipped over to the train set without looking back. I had to beg him to give me a goodbye hug!

Then I walked back out to the car with a huge sigh of relief and ready to take the others to their respective schools. Did I mention that all 4 kids are in separate schools this year? It's the way our District is split up. Two grades a building until you get to HS and you have to drive to ALL. OF. THEM. It means an hour in the morning dropping everyone off and an hour in the afternoon picking everyone up. I excitedly got back in the car and turned it on and....nothing happened. It was dead!! The car was dead! I still had 3 kids left to get to 3 different schools!

To make a story that has already gotten very long a little shorter, I called a sweet friend who also had a little boy in Good Lookin's school. She had called me the night before concerned that I was driving the kids to school and asking if she could help. I had assured her that Luke had put me behind the wheel that very night and after a bit of correction on the direction that I liked to veer the car rather warily said I could drive them the next morning to school. I told her I'd call her if I needed any help but not to worry. She sweetly came and rescued us all and we made it to all the other 3 schools with seconds to spare.

She then proceeded to take me to another Dr. appointment where I was again told that we'd just have to wait another week and if my balance wasn't better by then he'd refer me on to a Ear Nose and Throat specialist. He advised me to get help with the kids and be very careful with driving.

Thus began a flurry of phone calls to see who could help get the kids after school and then calling all the separate schools to inform them of what was happening and why none of the people on my pick-up lists were available to pick up my kids and why I was asking other people instead....on the First Day of School.

In the end, God was so gracious. I'm pretty sure that He killed the battery in our car yesterday morning. The more I rode around with my friend, the more disoriented and nauseated I became. I'm not sure I would have been able to get all the kids to school without either throwing up in my car or causing an accident or both. Then there was my friend who went out of her way yesterday to make sure that I was alright. I went back to her house and slept a good hour before tackling the task of how to get each child after school. She helped me figure out who was picking up each child where and who they would be brought to when. Everyone who helped out was kind and gracious. I honestly felt helpless and very humbled. It is not a position I like to be in but it was neat to see how the Body of Christ steps in when needed. Another couple friend of Luke's and mine came and jumped the car for me and let their house be the meeting place for all the other families to drop my kids off at their place. Then my friend followed me home to make sure that I could drive home alright and to help if needed. I honestly felt very blessed to have made it home safe and sound and all of us taken care of.
Luke's boss is letting him switch his schedule this week to a later start time. This way he can be the one to drive all the kids to school instead of me. And the same people who helped pick up all the kids yesterday are going to help the rest of this week so that I only have to drive into town and then back again to get everyone.

So, we are off to another School Year! Here's to more of that Adventure!

I'm Back!!

I don't even know where to begin. I haven't written a thing since last November and that was a feeble attempt at keeping everyone updated. I've tried to figure out how to fill in the last 8 months! I don't think it's possible, so I'll just start afresh.
I will say this has been another year of growth, seeing God's loving hand, developing and deepening friendships and learning what trust is really about. In the frustration of dealing with the kid's and my health issues, the loss of some income, and just trying to make it through my day before Luke got home so I could collapse in bed, both Luke and I saw God's loving hand and guidance. God was gently guiding Luke and I in our relationship and what servant leadership and submission needs to look like for us. He was teaching me how to be a mother when I had nothing to give because I felt sick all the time. He was beginning to open new doors for us while closing others.
While Luke and I were apprehensive on how we would make it through the summer without me working, He provided every step of the way...sometimes to the exact penny!!! I am learning to let go of control. I am a control freak! I like control. But God is ultimately the one in control of me, my husband, our family and our future. He knows what we need in order to be a light for His Gospel.
I am learning it's not about me. Even in the midst of depression or another discouraging day when I feel as if nothing has been accomplished, my children ate cereal for dinner, I yelled at them and was snarky to Luke, God still loves me. He's given me the strength to say "I'm sorry" (I hate saying I'm sorry) and given me grace in a husband named Luke.
I'm excited to be back! So much has changed in several areas of our lives. I'll have to keep writing and fill in when needed.
Blessings!

                                          Picture of the 4 kids and their cousins this summer

Crazy Fall

It has been amazing to see how God works in our individual lives. He knows exactly what we need and when we need it.
I had no idea our fall would take the turn it did. I've already had a crazy amount of change and mental rescheduling and priority shifting (homeschooling). I am still babysitting a delightfully wonderful little boy who has gone from this tiny little 8 week old at the beginning of last year to a giggling bundle of 17-month-old energy this year.
We also tried a sport his fall with a fair amount of success. Precious Jewel loved it and proved to be fairly decent for a newcomer to the sport. Mr. Smile's team won the championship much to his delight. Good Lookin' was only delighted that the whole thing was over and declared he thought it "was stupid" since he wasn't allowed to touch the ball with his hands. And Nater Mater? Well, if you count the rolling around on the ground and a fair amount of pouting because he didn't want to kick the ball as playing soccer, then I guess he played too.
But in the midst of all that, I got sick. Remember Precious Jewel's eye surgery back in the beginning of October? It was another one of those times I had to help hold her down and NOT pass out while I was inches away from the Doctor who was cutting open her eyelid while she was screaming loud enough to break every glass item in the room. 
I thought I had strained my back in all the stress. I thought that the 4 plus days with the 4 kids on 4 different soccer fields and 4 over-lapping schedules had caused the pain in my back to worsen. Then when just 3 days after Precious Jewel's eye surgery I found myself un-able to pick up a sock off the floor without having to pull myself back up because it felt as if someone had a hot iron prodding me in my left side, I thought maybe I should see the Doctor.
Kidney Infection was the diagnosis and has been ever since then.
Except for post-Nater Mater C-section when I was hormone-crazed and severely sleep-deprived and could barely stand up, I have never hurt so bad in my life.
But you know what? My family...my dear sweet wonderful husband and kids, proved to me that even if mommy falls apart they can and will carry on. Because honestly, I'm still not fully recovered. I spent the next 6 weeks on a crazy cycle of antibiotics and pain meds and trying to function and take care of my kids and babysit, and it was all I could do to make it until Luke got home at the end of the day so I could go to bed and sleep for the next 12 fitful hours.  Forget housework. Forget cooking. Forget cleaning.
My main goal every day was to get the very basics in school done with Precious Jewel, love on Little B and Nater Matter and get a nap when they did so that I didn't walk like the Hunchback of Notre Dame by mid-afternoon. All else was non-essential.
Sweet, loving, wonderful Luke spent 6 weeks cooking, cleaning (to the best of his overwhelmed abilities), folding laundry, helping kids with homework, washing dishes and putting everyone to bed BY HIMSELF. He has done all this with a servant's heart and with a tenderness towards me that has deepened my love for him in ways I never knew possible. I know he has been stressed and tired, but he has tirelessly loved our kids and me and seen very little in return.
On top of that, several friends either brought over meals or came on at least 2 occassions to help clean house. The blessing of friends is huge! Both Luke and I are forever grateful.

Never say never

Several of you have asked how the school year is going so far with Precious Jewel now that we have brought her home. I thought I'd give a little update.
When we went into this endevour, I was terrified. I was terrified of it ending like the last time when I felt like a complete failure at the end of her kindergarten year at home and put her and Mr. Smiles into school the next year. I was afraid of the intense emotions that I had experienced last time with feeling like I had to meet every requirement and need. I was afraid of her losing the new friends that she had finally made in the last couple of years. She had been so lonely the first year of Public School because all her pre-school/Kindergarten friends were homeschoolers and she never saw them anymore. She constantly asked to see them and I had no answers for her. I was afraid we would repeat that and that the homeschool group would already have their friends and she would spend another year alone.
See? Fear. Fear is my biggest obsticle to anything. Fear of failure. Rejection. Getting it Wrong. Ruining my Children.
Fear is what God has been hammering away at in my heart in the last 3 years since we started in Public School. I have learned (in a very short synopsis) that the only thing I need to fear is what God thinks of me and to throw out what the world thinks (a very tall order for an ENFP person). I really haven't arrived yet, but I am not so crippled as before. God has shown me that no matter what others think (and there is always someone who is not going to like me) my husband and I are our children's parents and we are the ones who will have to answer to God for what we do with them. He is the one I need to please and not others opinions.
We struggled for over a year on whether to bring her home. She wasn't very happy. We were losing our connectedness with her and beginning to see her trying to separate herself from us in order to fit in with the ever-changing rules of the girl world--an impossible achievement. On any given day she could be dubbed as the "cool girl" or find her name being passed around in the "dumb girls" list. She would be "let in the circle" on the playground one day and then chased away another. My heart broke for her.
Her values in life were beginning to change and not for the better. Here she was...only 3rd grade and asking me if she was fat, did she need to lose weight, why was her nose so big, why was she so much taller than everyone else, why she couldn't throw out her dolls so that no one would make fun of her, why couldn't she wear the slutty looking clothes (that's what I called them) if that was what would help her fit in. We were seeing our sweet daughter totally demoralized before our eyes. Gone was our confident sweet girl and she was increasingly being replaced by a sullen, tearful, angry and belligerent girl....in 3rd Grade!
After the Eye Doctor told us that he thought the root of her eye issues were stress, we decided to take the leap and pull her out.
How has this year gone? Well, the first couple of weeks were difficult at best. She was obsessed with what they might be doing in school at this time or at that time. She complained at the work I was having her do at home. (She is very bright). She was begging to see her friends (on an almost hourly basis). Then things began to settle down a little more and we began to get into a groove.
I also tried keeping her extremely busy. We went to other people's houses....during the day; where, even though all my friends have kids at least 2 year younger than her, she got to play and just be a kid...something I think she'd forgotten how to play when trying so desperately to fit in.
We've done schoolwork in the park, on the hay bales (when baby is napping), on the swing set so we can swing little brother. We've done a lot of reading aloud and Science projects with her brothers when they've come home from school. This has given them all a chance to be a part of each other's days since they are in school. She's helping them with their homework at the end of the day.
The clincher for her being happy at home though was the Secret Keeper Girl Conference we went to at the beginning of the year. At that conference I got to see on her level the struggles she has wrestled with so intensely the past 2 years. We cried, we laughed, we got angry together at what the world was telling her what she should be when it was in direct contradiction with what the Bible says and what we have taught her. She seemed for the first time to be able to breath and put a finger on what was making her so angry and unhappy. It was then that I also became determined to start a Bible Study with other mothers to encourage her in who she was and that she is perfect the way God has created her. She doesn't need to try and change herself to "fit in."
We are still trying to find friends in the homeschool group. I am afraid that friendships are always going to be difficult for her. She has become so shy when she is around others girls. As her mother, I want other girls to like her, but I am also learning that this year, this season, our friendship as mother and daughter are being deepened. She is coming to me more and more with questions and becoming more and more bold in what she thinks. She is learning to re-connect with her brothers and I've seen hers and her daddy's relationship deepen. She is also more content on the days "we just stay home to school."
Our whole goal with bringing her home is to give her a year of rest. We will re-evaluate when the year is over and see what comes next. I am now much more open than I have been in several years to keeping her home if that is what we feel best. I am learning to never say never because that is exactly where God might lead you and it has been a wonderful things.

Surprise! Surprise!!

They hatched! The Guinea Babies hatched sometime today while we were at the 3 soccer games plus a Health Fair. (For those that don't know and because I've said nothing via blog, we have a Guinea Hen who has been nesting for 3 weeks now. We have no idea if we own a male (apparently we do) and we've just been waiting to see what she would do. She smartly built her nest in my squash patch in the garden where the dogs and goats can't get to her).
I told Luke just before dinner that I wanted to make sure the momma and her nest were covered properly before the storm hit. I honestly wanted to see if we could simply move her and her nest because there is hail and isolated tornadoes predicted. She is extremely wild, so the moving her was slim at best, but I wanted to try. When I got out there, 6 of the 7 eggs had hatched!! These tiny little balls of fluff were peeping madly and darted into the tall grass when we bumped her off the nest. I shrieked in surprise and yelled for Luke. We were able to easily scoop them up and the little nest she had built (I think because they were so little) and Luke brought over the nesting box we were borrowing from a friend for a different hen. (Who, by the way, had not hatched her eggs due to her nest being raided by our stupid Lab pup).
We tried for over half an hour to get her to go into the box. Her little babies were peeping at her from inside and she kept circling around and around the box. Finally, one too many lightning flashes later, we headed for the house with me praying all the way that at least they would stay in the box in the downpour that was about to commence.
After the crazy amount of rain and lightning stopped, I begged Luke to look at the radar to see if the storm was past enough for me to go out and check and see if they were still alive. The radar showed that another, much larger, front was on it's way but that we had a short lull before it was to hit. I ran outside. The now soaked mother was still running in circles around the nesting box and all 6 of her babies were peeping at her (dry) from inside. I hollered for Luke and we just scooped the whole box out of the garden and hauled them to the garage. I feel bad for the momma hen. She is frantic. But everything I have read says that mother Guinea Hens are not very successful at raising young. Mainly because their nests are out in the open in the elements and babies often drown when it rains. They are now tucked neatly in the same nesting box in the garage with a heat lamp and I am going to google how to care for Guinea babies. Any suggestions?

                                         Good Lookin' has a little friend spending the night who
                                         was excited to be part of the discovery.

                                         Captian America excitedly holding the chick.

                                                    Where's momma?!?!

Soccer Season

I've been staring at this screen for some time now. I sit down. Get up. Walk away and then come back. Something about having a bazillion pictures that my lens has captured and yet having no coherent words by which to pen down a single word, leaves the blog page empty.
In reality, I am just really really tired.
This past month has been all things soccer. All 4 kids said they wanted to play and we insanely said yes. Whoever said 4 kids in soccer would be a good idea? But at the same time, it has been a ton of fun. All 4 kids have learned and accomplished so much.

Nater Mater's idea of Iddy Biddy Soccer has been the most entertaining. Thank goodness it is only Saturdays or I think I may have been more tempted to let him quit. Most of their games and practice time overlap and it can get tricky trying to keep track of practice times and game schedules and who is on what field, but it has been great watching them learn something new.

The child's idea of soccer has been more about rolling around in the grass in refusal of kicking the ball or outright running off the field when his coach tells him to do something. Fortunately, many of the other parents of the 3 and 4 year olds are also seen coaxing their little ones back onto the field.
He did run happily for the end of the month trophy though!

Mr. Smiles has done awesome for someone who said he hasn't wanted to play the last 2 years.

                                          (He's the kid holding his hands up against the sun)
His coach's main goal for him: Aggression. Go figure. He is the same child we had to tell, "hit him back!" when his little brother continued to blindside him with matchbox cars. It took several months, but after just a couple of good whacks back, his brother quit hitting him. Whenever did I think that teaching aggression would be a good thing?!

Then there is Good Lookin.' Aggression is NOT his problem. We still have to discipline him to not hit, grab and run or sideswipe someone. I would have thought that this would aggression would have carried over to the soccer field, but no. I actually offered to pay him a quarter every time he kicked the ball in his last game. Once that was out on the table, he actually stopped running alongside the ball and the opposing teammate and tried to kick it away from him. He earned a whopping 50 cents for that game! The joys of a soccer mom.

Then there is Precious Jewel. She had eye surgery again this past week. She is so in love with soccer that even though she has never played before  (before the numbing shot wore off) she wanted to go see the rest of her game that she was missing for the surgery. I took her home and put ice packs on her face instead and by then, she was grateful I had ignored her pleas.

She is one I was most surprised at wanting to play soccer this Fall. She's never expressed much interest before, but said this summer she wanted to play. She has thrown her whole heart into it and isn't too bad for never having played. Most of the other girls have already been playing for 3-5 years. We've been proud of her. She has asked for extra practice and coaching to improve and be a better help for her team. She has always loved running and it seems a good fit for her.

I have tons more I want to write but for now I'm heading to bed. It's been a crazy 2 weeks with an eye surgery, 1 boy sick and then I got sick this past week and haven't fully recovered. I've been falling asleep with the kids by 8 or 8:30 the last several nights, but tonight I begged Luke to wake me up so I could get some stuff that I needed done around the house...laundry, dishes, mail, blogging...I pretty much just did mail and blogging. The rest can wait until tomorrow.
Goodnight!